yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
