i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
