That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
