I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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