So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Just cropdusted the office
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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