i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Is it penis luge time yet?
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
