You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
