Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
