Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
