alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
