I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
