Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
My vagina just clenched in fear
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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