between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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