It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
