Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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