don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
