Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
