If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
The uberlube is also flammable
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
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