Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
