I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
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Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
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He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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