It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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