Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
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