Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
