I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize
