I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize