He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
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