I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
