Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
These 19 Guys Hit The Cougar Jackpot
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?