I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Semen is not good for contacts.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
