I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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