i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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