I cockslap morals
I puked a lego.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
