I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
