I wish I could punch you in the face.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
