no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
he quoted the bible to break up with me
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
