You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
