girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
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