she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
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Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
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plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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