Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
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