Banned from zoo.
Again?
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
