so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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