You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
He passed out mid-signature
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
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