what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
