youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Randomize
