I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
we're making bets on your personal life
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
You've changed since you got that strap on
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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