I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
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and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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