Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Randomize
