I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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