You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
