Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
