I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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