Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Mom said you looked used
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
