I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
