I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
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