nut hugger
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
