He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
