I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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