Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
