Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
