This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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