Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
