What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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