there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
