did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
