I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
